Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Glenn Beckisms

"Applying Hate-The-Rich Principles Consistently"

What the liberal whiners say:

1. 'We need a windfall profits tax on Exxon-Mobil, they are making obscene profit. The government can take that money, and use it to help hard-working families survive'

2. 'I'm just talking about leveling the playing field, to give everyone an equal chance'

3. 'I know what you're trying to do, you're trying to protect big oil with ridiculous examples that could never happen!'

Your winning, logical, reasoned arguments:

1. You are exactly right. You know what else is outrageous? One man winning EIGHT gold medals in just ONE Olympics! We need to take the "windfall" gold medals from that greedy American, Michael Phelps, and distribute them to the less fortunate, but equally hard-working athletes in the swimming-poor countries. The International Olympic Committee should take control of 60% of his obscene, record medal count, and distribute them to athletes in nations like Iceland and Lichtenstein, who've never won Olympic swimming medals. He'd still have 3 medals left, he'd never even miss the ones we took.

2. So am I. In fact, next, we'll take on the NFL. How many Super Bowls have the New England Patriots won? Too many, that's for sure. They don't NEED all of those Super Bowl championships. We need to level the playing field. The NFL needs to take Patriot QB, Tom Brady, and give him to the Houston, Texans, who've NEVER been to a Super Bowl. We'll also take Randy Moss, Laurence Mulroney and Ted Bruschi from the Patriots, and put them on the Texans, too. And because all the Patriots games are sold out, we'll take 52% of their gate revenue, and just keep it at NFL headquarters to help build League parity in years to come.

3. No, I'm trying to show you that you wouldn't even consider applying Marxist principles to the silly, relatively unimportant world of sports. But you WOULD use them against American companies, critical to our economy and way of life?!?!? How does that make any sense?