Saturday, August 23, 2008

updated and redactated


BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because "I" said it was time for change! "I" knew the chicken really wanted change! "I" knew the kind of change that chicken really needed. "I" knew which road the chicken should cross. "I" knew when the chicken should cross the road. Of course, this will not be easy. "I" will tax all of the other animals to pay for paving a new road, toll booths and security guards to assure that the chicken gets across safely. And "I" will have then pay for national veterinary care, free coops and feed...

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he wanted the chance to engage in cooperation and dialogue with chickens on the other side of the road. Even though crossing the road carries some risks, working together - with everyone contributing his fair share towards a common goal - offers chickens the opportunity for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. I clearly remember that there was very heavy traffic, that day. In fact, one of those big trucks almost hit me as the chicken and I were running across the road, dodging between cars. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. Uh... exactly what is your definition of "cross"?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. Chickens produce less greenhouse gas than cows, horses, pigs, and other mammals, thus, to save the planet, we need to have a total ban on mammalian breeding.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I can assure you that am not for it now, and will definitely vote for it in the future.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on his side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the funny way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? If the chicken crossed the road, Why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Reverend Jeremiah Wright: WHITE Chickens were invented by scientists of a corrupt American government to stereotype the BLACK race as cotton pickin', finger lickin' chicken pluckers, and kill poor Black people by making them fat. Gawd Damn America.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? I n a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never

JOE BIDEN: Chicken? Chicken? Uh, well, forget about all those negative things I said about him, during the primaries. It's OK that he's young, and inexperienced, and lacks any ability to make good decisions. I really didn't mean to imply that he is a socialist or wants to destroy our Constitution. I didn't meant to impugn his judgment just because he hung out with criminals and took money from people known for blowing up government buildings and plotting the overthrow of the US government. And, I didn't mean that his wife sounded like a radical, Black separatist when she... what? Chicken? Road? Ohhhh... yaa, I guess I misunderstood the question... or, was misrepresented by the media...

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?