Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Obama finally takes a stand

*Washington DC* - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many disadvantaged Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by Democrats, Independents and Socialist advocates of the millions of citizens and illegal alliens who lack any real skills and have no ambition to develop or learn any.

Senator Barack Obama, also a Democrat from Illinois and the Democratic Candidate for President, said, "This will be a very difficult bill to get past the old fashioned, 'Personal Responsibility Conservatives' in Congress. But, -- and this is very important -- my campaign is designed to show voters that there is no job in the nation that cannot be filled by a person with no abilities, as long as the government pays for that job." He added, "My supporters, in all 57 states, understand that this is the right thing to do."

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator, Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow Persons of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation," she said, "employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capital Hill press conference, House Majority Leader, Nancy Pelosi, pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service which, she said, "has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity and benefits without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability. That's a record we can be very proud of."

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Senator Majority Leader, Harry Reid (D-UT) explained, "Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 15 million new 'middle man' positions will be created, with important sounding titles but no real responsibility. This will provide an illusory sense of purpose and self-worth while increasing the need for federal support."

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. Chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, Christopher Dodd (D-CT) said, "This legislation also provides substantial tax breaks and interest free loans to corporations that promote a significant number of POI's (Persons of Inability) into middle-management positions, to banks who gave low interest home mortgages to POI's with no requirement for down payment or visible income, and to small and medium sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two qualified hires."

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-Abled; banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Have you ever held a real job?" and "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a Non-Abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Cyndee Schlugg, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember 'righty tighty, lefty loosey'. "This new law should be real good for people like me," she added. With the passage of this bill, Schlugg and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): "As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that are enjoyed by other elected officials, like me, ought to be extended to every American who has no abilities. Further, it is the dream of my party, to elect a presidential candidate who has absolutely no qualifications for that office."